Sister Stories | Rachel's Story
Living Forgiven
“Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners – of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in Him and receive eternal life.” 1 Timothy 1:15-16
I hate to assume, but I bet most of you have gone through a season where you were certain that you fell into the “worst of sinners” category. I bet you have faced a season where shame and condemnation ruled your heart and there may have been times where you too, felt like it would be impossible to move past that shame.
For me, that season began in May of 2019. For the first time in my life, everything was going my way. I was thriving mentally, physically, and spiritually. I had everything I thought that I wanted and what I did not yet have, I was perfectly on track to receive. But in one day, I lost it all.
They say that sin is a slow fade and that getting to your breaking point is a series or combination of small choices and then somehow, you are far from the Lord and cannot remember how you got to where you are. For me, however, it really was just one day and one decision. I woke up one morning and I chose to do something that I felt like I had to do. I considered no one else’s feelings and did not even seek the Lord’s counsel or my loved one’s opinions. This decision ultimately compromised my relationship with my family and my boyfriend, it compromised my job and my school, it compromised my physical health and my finances. But worst of all, I allowed the enemy to place shame and condemnation in my heart which lead me believe that the Lord was done with me.
If I am being honest, my life has been a series of selfish decisions, but I was certain that this was the worst one. I was certain that the Lord had ran out grace and there was no way that He would ever give me another chance. He had set me up perfectly, even given me everything I could have asked for, and I still chose to throw it all away. How can He forgive that?
Desperate for reconciliation, I began to believe in Satan’s lie that I was going to have to work for redemption. So, I began to do everything that I could think of to make the Lord “believe” that I was better. I started a bible study, I joined a church, I made inspiring Instagram posts, I started to volunteer within the community. By August, I was working full time, completing Graduate school, leading a bible study, volunteering, and trying to hold onto a relationship with my boyfriend. I was exhausted from trying to live to prove that I was “strong enough” or “worthy enough” to earn back my relationship with Jesus. Once I realized I could not earn back my relationship with the Lord, I allowed the enemy to convince me to revert to old, destructive behaviors, which only ended up creating more shame.
As time went by, my mind became a scary and dark place to live. I just wanted it all to be over.
But April of 2020, I quit striving.
I quit almost everything. I had no desire, no passion, and no real direction or belief that I would have a future. But something in me recognized this place of brokenness. I had been depressed before and I knew that something in my life had to change drastically or I would not make it another year.
So, one day after work, I drove to the top of a mountain and decided to watch the sunset. I turned on some worship music and I did something that I had yet to do. With an open heart, I asked the Lord to forgive me and acknowledged that I could not keep living without Him.
To my surprise, I was met with a flood of grace. I have never felt so loved, so embraced, so known, as I did in that moment. The Lord opened my eyes to see how He never left me. He showed me all the ways that He had still protected me and guided me over the past year. He told me that He was just waiting for me to come to Him and revealed to me that when He called me to be His when I was 8 years old, He knew every decision I would make but that He called me to be His, anyways.
Since that day in late April, my life has been no walk in the park. It took a lot of hard work to get out of the place that I was in but my entire outlook had changed. I had a reason to keep going, I had a reason to push through the pain and seek healing. The Lord had restored my hope in the abundant life that He had called me to live. This time last year, I could not have imagined that I would be sitting here today writing about this journey. I could have never imagined that not only was my future not lost in sea of hopelessness, but my future is bright. But that is what the Lord does, He takes what is broken and He restores it to be new, bigger, and better.
Friend, you also have access to the same grace that I have received. You are deeply loved and deeply known. You were created on purpose for a purpose. Do not allow shame to rule in your heart for another second. It is no coincidence that you are reading this, but I know that choosing to walk away from shame is easier said than done. So, here are some practical things that I found to be helpful in moving forward.
We must first surrender. We cannot carry this burden on our own. We cannot work our way to grace. At any moment, we can choose to call out to God, ask for forgiveness, and pray that He will help us let go of shame.
I John 4:8-9 says, “If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.”
We need to decide to live in obedience. Jesus said the greatest commandments are to love the Lord your God with all your heart and to love your neighbor as yourself. So, if we do not know where to start, we can start with love. Love the Lord, honor His word, be willing to listen to His will. Then, we love those around us. we learn to love the people who hurt us, love the people we disagree with, love the person that no one else likes. But remember that most likely you will not walk every day in complete obedience. You are human, you make mistakes, you will not be perfect.
I Peter 2:4-5 says, “As you come to him, the living Stone—rejected by humans but chosen by God and precious to him— you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.”
We learn to give ourselves grace. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. If you need to take a day, take it without allowing yourself to feel guilty. If you need to distance yourself from certain people, do it. If you need to start saying no to certain things, even “good” things, do it. When I stopped volunteering, I felt so guilty and burdened, but we cannot pour from an empty cup. So, allow yourself how ever much time it takes for the Lord to fill you up again.
Hebrews 4:16 says, “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
Lastly, we find a group of people that are trustworthy.
One of the most freeing things I have done since April was to sit down and tell my two best friends every little detail of how I had been feeling the past year. Shame will tell you not to do this. Shame will tell you that you will lose people you love and that they will think you are as awful as you think that you are. But there is freedom in confession. James 5:16 says
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed”.
When I told my two best friends, I was ready for them to judge me, maybe not talk to me for a while, ask me a million questions about why and how. To my surprise, the only thing they responded with was “I am sorry you felt like you had to carry that burden alone.
Today, I pray that this season I went through is one that will be used to show the goodness and unending grace that the Lord has for us. No matter what season you are in right now, just remember, it is for your growth and God’s glory.
|Meet Rachel|
Hi, I’m Rachel! Born and raised in North Carolina and some how I ended up back here once again. After completing my master in counseling, I began praying about what was next and the Lord gave me a vision of empowering women and mentoring teenagers. Now I’m working daily towards making that vision a reality. I’m an enneagram 3, ice cream connoisseur, and I’m passionate about sharing the love and grace of Jesus that I have so freely received. I’m praying this story empowers you to walk in the freedom of living forgiven. Can’t wait to connect! You can Email me @